You have just arrived at the family holiday fest. Coincidentally, you arrived at the exact same time as your sister Barbara and your brother Martin. Everyone, including you, loves them dearly, but both are the smothering kind, and you hate that. All three of you walk in the front door together and Martin immediately asks if he can help you hang up your coat and Barbara gives you one of those big teddy bear hugs. They both dote over you, since you haven’t seen each other for several months.
Most of the relatives are at this event and you like to “work the room” like it’s your party. But, Barbara and Martin have other ideas for you. They have no sense of urgency to talk with others, so here come the questions you hate; “how are things going at work,” “ how are your in-laws,” “when are your spouse and kids showing up since you didn’t come with them,” “what ever happened with that project you shared with us at the last family event,” on and on and on with the questions. It’s 20 minutes and you are still standing near the front door catching your brother and sister up on the details of your life. A number of relatives are looking your way inquisitively, wondering why are the three of you still standing at the front door talking. After all, you are siblings with plenty of regular time to catch up, and this is an entire family event.
As typical “S” style relatives, they are 1) very family oriented, especially with immediate family, 2) great listeners, 3) empathic and concerned about you, and 4) very patient. They are not in any hurry to stop your conversation and talk with others until they have had the full experience with you.
There are a number of ways you can deal with the current situation with your siblings. One is to turn the conversation around and ask them about themselves. Barbara, in particular, gets embarrassed if she is the focus of the conversation. She will prefer to learn more about you than share about herself. To shift things and allow you to move all three of you away from the front door, make a little circle with one of your arms and motion Barbara to put her arm through it. The two of you can then slowly walk away from the front door and over to other relatives. Martin will surely join the two of you as you walk to say hello to other family members.
A second way is to deal with the current situation is to mention the name of one of the other relatives standing near you. Ask Barbara and Martin if they can answer your question about that relative. “Barbara, Martin; Uncle Freddie, standing right over there, was going through some tough times, how is he doing now? He’s right there, should we ask him how he is doing?” Two things happen at the same time when you do that. First, Barbara and Martin will love you more, since you are showing your empathy and concern for others. Second, the focus of the conversation shifts. Uncle Freddie is now the center of their attention. You can slowly move away from your sister and brother and Uncle Freddie to join others in the family, as your siblings get involved with talking with Freddie.
But we are not through yet. Of course, they felt unfinished with talking about you, so they sit down next to you at the dinner table. A third way to deal with their lovingness is to talk about some other family event. For example, past holiday fests, when the family was together. Maybe a holiday fest 3 years ago, when a cousin people hadn’t seen for years, shows up to the event. Get your siblings and others sitting around you at the table involved in the reminiscing. Everyone will have a great time during the discussion and your time won’t be monopolized by your siblings.
A few other thoughts when interacting and talking with anyone who is an intense “S.” Don’t spend too much of the conversation on questioning how they are doing at work. Pivot to something more personal to them. Also, listen intently. They are great listeners themselves and will appreciate you focusing on listening to them instead of looking around to see what other relatives are at the event. Thirdly, don’t assume that their non-verbal agreement with your comments is being satisfied or happy with your comments. Ask them tactfully and non-threateningly, how they are feeling about what you just said or what was just said by others in the conversation.
If you want more on how to better master, communicate with, and/or live with/work with the “S” style person, here are three other opportunities for you. First, enroll in our newly modified DISC & Motivators Certification program. Second, use our individual, comparison, and/or team reports. Third, learn how to use the reports via our A-LRN videos.
